I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
