My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
