It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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