3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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