It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
