I could make wine with my vomit
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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