it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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