Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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