So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
