At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
is wine microwaveable?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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