Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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