I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
