My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
