My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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