I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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