When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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