i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
