I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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