we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
