I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
