I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
