Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
