OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
