you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i think i just lost a toe
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
