Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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