Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
