Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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