the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
