i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
