This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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