Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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