Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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