Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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