It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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