apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
