Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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