I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
