I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
