I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
