Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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