All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sext me about skeletons
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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