I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
