WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
