so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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