he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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