Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
