when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
