There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
