I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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