I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm too high and old for this...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
