the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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