So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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