I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
