I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
