I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
