He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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