Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
