If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
