dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
